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Jun. 10th, 2009

Veronica Mars

(no subject)

I have been trying to come up with a single word to describe my mood lately. I can't find one. I need something that sounds focused and yet bouncy all at once. There just isn't really anything that can capture both emotions. I'm really happy (which is always a reason for concern when it's happening to me. ***REFILL MEDS!!!***). But I'm also going to yoga classes, interested in school, and kicking butt at work. I'm driven! And I can't figure out why... Maybe I'm getting prepped for the California YSA conference... It's a running joke that I plan to meet my husband there. I'm using it as an excuse to be too busy to even think about guys... Which is interesting because for the first time in ages (we're talking since I discovered that boys were something to be coveted) I am not interested in anyone. Nobody. I just don't have the time/care. It's lovely.

Talk about rambling... Anyway, what's my point... I guess I lack one. But this is livejournal and who needs a point to post?

I'm putting my mood as indescribable. I can't remember who it is in the picture... Oh Empire Records... How I love you...

Feb. 27th, 2009

Prison Break Crane

Over and under

I'm so over my job! So I'm job searching. Only a little success so far. And if I do get that job, I'm not sure what I'll tell everyone... This is a terrible time to be job hunting.

My back hurts. My head hurts. And now my dreams are becoming incredibly strange. I dreamt I was directing a music video for these two sisters. The most impressive thing about them was that they had gigantic butts. They were thin, but their butts were huge! It was absurd...

Feb. 25th, 2009

Bride and Prejudice Lalita

(no subject)

I'm trying to get a new job. I just sent 3 emails to this one company because I kept forgetting to include my resume. Yeah, they're not going to hire me...

Jan. 25th, 2009


Dreaming Is Free

I had a dream last night that I was Marge Simpson's daughter from a previous marriage. So Homer was my stepfather. And I was sent to the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra. But I couldn't get it because my last name was not Simpson and so I had to go back and pick up my halfbrother, in this case, Bart because his last name was Simpson.

It was random. And then I woke up because my ears hurt because my tonsils are swollen so big that they make my entire head pound. And the fact that my mom is being a total bitch about everything... Yeah, not making it any better...

Jan. 24th, 2009



demonmessiah got me thinking. What defines us? I have been defined so many many times by the color of my hair. I am naturally very blonde. I've been told time and time again how blessed I am. But my hair defines me. I cut it recently. I cut it on Tuesday. Not all of it but most of it is gone. Gone. It looks strange. Nobody has this cut. I think it's the me I've always tried to show. Princess is nice. But who wants to be defined as being a princess? Not me.

On Thursday night, right before midnight, he said that I'm his girlfriend again if it's what I want. It was two months of us being together, being a thing. Almost a month after I ended it with him the first time, which happened on Christmas Eve. It was what I wanted. The security that comes with the title. The protection from what has happened to so many of my friends, what has happened to me. Ambiguity always ends in heartbreak. And I care way too much for him not to take some precautions. I know he cares for me. I know he wants to love me. He doesn't fall in love as quickly as I do. I don't expect him to. I try not expect anything anymore.

I'm tired of excuses. So tired. I need to trust. I need to not feel like an idiot when I do.

We are defined by our relationships to others. What defines us is our behavior in those relationships. We can only do so much. And then we have to trust the other to follow through. How can I love but not trust?

Jan. 11th, 2009


Writer's Block: Morning Decisions

The eternal breakfast dilemma: Sweet or savory?

I had this discussion with my friend Sarah today. She prefers savory. I prefer sweet, but my preference is a direct result of my inability to eat eggs. Eggs are a crucial element in the savory breakfast, if you ask me.

Jan. 1st, 2009


When I was younger...

I must have been like 14, and I remember distinctly worrying that I thought about sex too much. That I was unusual for a girl and had major issues. I kept it all inside and for all intents and purposes was incredibly prudish. One day however, on a walk with my friends (all girls), we started making up a ridiculous story about some ridiculously hot super hero. I couldn't even tell you what his name was. But the key part was that the hero was in love with some girl who was kidnapped by this monster who's name was Nasty Man (taken directly from Wonderboy by Tenacious D). Anyway, Nasty Man was going to eat the girl. But somehow, he ended up eating her out. And then she didn't want to leave when the hero came to rescue her.

The point of all that was I was so relieved to find out that I wasn't the only one who had sex on the brain. And I'm sure if I had been walking with guys, the story would have been worse.

Dec. 30th, 2008

Mulan Comb

The World As We Live In It

As it turns out, the world is tiny small. And the people I know now are just extensions of people I knew then. It's like I'm just turning the picture a little bit and I see different people than I saw before, but they were always there. It's hard to explain.

So I come to find out that Alex was at my prom. I find significance in the fact that he knows so many people from my past. He says it's just a 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon thing and I think it's more than that. Plus, all the people are just one degree of separation from him to me. And San Diego is the 8th largest city. You can argue that the communities that he and I have spent our whole lives in are a whole lot smaller, but still. It's creepy. Especially because I know him originally through some guy I randomly met in a class I didn't want to be in. That class (and that guy) changed my life...

And Alex had a momentary crush on this girl I was best friends with in high school. Until I stole her boyfriend. Um. It was complicated and bloody and many people died in the wars that followed. Or something like that...

Dec. 28th, 2008

Hufflepuff Jesus

Some thoughts on eyes...

Your eyes
Reflect my confusion.
Echoing my unspoken emotions,
They gaze back into mine.
I know that my eyes
Betray my heart,
Letting you see
My desolation.

Dec. 24th, 2008

Rainy Day

The Show

We played our parts,
We played them well.
Two actors in a sad little show.
The ending was written
Before it began.
The curtain fell,
We took our bows.
The show must end.
And in the dark,
After the lights are out,
We murmur,
"What now?"

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